2 months gone.

I think about this blog more than I get a chance to update.  So we finished all the counseling up, our 3rd and final session was done via tele-conference with all parties including their counsellor in on the call.  It went great in my opinion and now we are a week out from the ECART meeting, the day our fate for this journey will be decided.  We had some hiccups with thoughts my counsellor had but upon seeking another opinion from my Fert Dr and talking to others I was happy to leave things as they stand, if ECART require more from us before we can proceed so be it.  We should hopefully know by the time the month is out.

This weekend is the weekend my world collides with my IP's.  They are coming up to meet my girls and hang out with us, this is a huge step and an exciting one at that.  I know my IP's are nervous but I'm not, I'm fairly sure my girls will be absolutely fine with them.  We have a great day planned, from morning through till night - I can't wait!

There has been so much more behind the scenes discussions going on and I am so comfortable with where we are at, no regrets, no hesitations, no worries.

I found this heart-tearing book at work yesterday and I started reading it.  It was called Baby one, it's an NZ book with personal accounts from parents who had lost a child through either miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death.  Beautifully written, so raw and real.  I just wanted to hug everyone who had taken the time to share their children and experiences.  As someone who has never experienced anything along those lines it taught me a few things.  I would absolutely recommend it to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child.  It won't mend your heart but it will definitely help you feel less alone in the world.

Will catch you back here at some point down the track.

The ball has almost started rolling!

So tomorrow is my first counseling session, I was nervous and anxious but after some reassuring words that has eased, though I can't guarantee that those feelings won't resurface in the morning.

Again, my blogging efforts are beyond crap.  So much has happened in terms of my relationship with my IP's since the last installment.  I fall more and more in love with them every day, they are just so perfect to be matched with.  We went for an amazing dinner and drinks at my 'local' pub a wee while back then caught up again the next day for coffee and a bit more of a surrogacy focussed chat.  It was great, to have that chat in real life, outside of monitors and away from keyboards.  Though I am going to spend this evening rereading the emails we exchanged in the beginning of time just to refresh me about what we discussed and everyone's views on those matters.

I can feel the love for this patient little embryo already.  His/her Mummy is so happy she sheds a tear or two on a regular basis and Daddy uttered a 'thank you so much' in my ear as he hugged me (I almost shed a tear then and there and oh how I wished I could have just popped a baby out for him right then, they both so badly want a baby they can love on and I am so excited to bring them closer to that possibility.)

I have mentioned surrogacy to my Dad again in a very platonic way, we discussed it a bit more in depth but I am yet to divulge to him the great news that is our match.  I worry about him worrying about me.  I love him lots and I want to reassure him it's ok, that everything will work out just fine, just wait and see, but I must remember this is a journey for him too, for everyone involved both directly and indirectly.  For most in our lives this is a rare thing, completely new to them and that they will each have their own way for dealing with this.  But I am excited. My IP's are excited.  And I'm pretty sure this little embryo is dancing around her tube in delight too.

Until another month or so ;)

All penciled in!

So everyone is booked in for their respective counseling sessions!  I have taken some time to think "Is this going too fast?!" but I think as long as we get this approval first then I can take some time out before embarking on the implantation side of things.  I am excited about seeing my IP's in a couple of weeks time - to catch up, to laugh, to cry and to squeal in delight at all of this!

I knew I'd do amazing things one day and I am so glad that taking this journey is going to be one of those things - I just so hope it all goes to plan!

So many exclamation marks!
So much excitment!
Just so much!!!

A Little Life becoming Reality.

So much has changed since I last posted - I knew the novelty of blogging would wear off quite quickly but now here I am making a conscious effort to drag my butt back into journal keeping (facebook is so much easier!)

First things first - I have officially offered the use of my uterus to one of the most amazing couples ever!  So much about them seems right to me.  For the 11 years of their marriage they have tried to have babies and have suffered so much loss and no baby joy - I feel beyond bad for them, I just had unprotected sex and I ended up pregnant...twice.  As a book says most of us end up with kids because they are a by-product of sex and it's true.  So I met my Intending Mama and we enjoyed candle-lit hot chocolates whilst intimately talking about our pasts.  Despite our different paths in life I felt that we could still relate to each others experiences and that drew me to her even more.  She is super sweet and will make a good mama.  

There have been so many questions exchanged, thoughts shared, phone calls made to hunt out the necessary information we need, many conversations bouncing ideas off of each other, many moments that built up to me offering and to 'mama' saying a little old yes.  We are now on the Autobahn going as fast as the car will allow without falling to pieces and it is a thrilling ride all around.

The next off-ramp that is fast approaching is the Counselling one - I will hit the phone on Monday lunch time to see when I can book myself in for my sessions and hopefully they will be around the dates we want so that we can meet the July ECART date which has a cut-off date in June.  

Fingers crossed and seatbelts on - check!

Still consumed by GS thoughts.

I have been information gathering about the initial process of gestational surrogacy in NZ.  You begin with a medical examination to check you are able and suitable, to carry a child, then some long bouts of counseling for all invested parties then you head over to the ethics committee and sit patiently till they make a decision whether you can give your IP's a baby.  The IP's have lots of hoops to jump through - they need more approval than a surrogate!  They must be Child, Youth and Family approved, as here in NZ the woman who gives birth is recognized as the legal mother to the child, even though in a gestational surrogacy she in not genetically related to the child.  So the IP's have to get this CYF's approval to be able to adopt their child 12 days after birth.

The last couple of days have been a blur - general everyday stuff mixed with some very (long) focused emails about gestational surrogacy between myself and a couple I am getting to know.  Whilst we are talking about surrogacy in a very platonic way there are definitely invested emotions.  I guess for me I see the journey as being done pretty much for the benefit of the IP's (I mean they reap the rewards at the end) and I hadn't given much thought too the idea that a surrogate could need the journey just as much.  Take some of the latter, throw in those invested emotions and you can get an awkward situation which leaves a guilt trail as big as NZ debts.  Toes were not meant to be tread on, and for that I am sorry!  I was completely oblivious to it all and as the 3rd party putting my foot in it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Just talking to this couple is eye opening.  I have never spoken to any IP's before so even if nothing arises, because we all should know that talking does not constitute an arrangement, I will have a major store of personal information and experience on the matter to take from when the time arises.  Although I must share I have envisioned being able to tell this couple "Let's do it, let's make a baby the GS way", even though I know it is far too soon to make that call.  One day lovelies, one day, hopefully soon yeah.

Educating myself on the matter.

I have spent days (and nights!) reading through the nz-surrgacy website and I find every bit of it so valuable and incredibly insightful. Things I had never considered, things I didn't know and things I couldn't imagine.  It doesn't sway my decision though, in my mind I am clear on the fact that one day I will be a gestational surrogate for someone - someone who needs me to help them bring their dream to life.

Some of the journey's that Intending Parents have made in their quests to become parents is beyond intense.  The copious amounts of drugs involved in IVF that either an Egg Donor or a Mother are required to consume is mindblowing!  I mean, I'd heard it was a lengthy process requiring so much emotional, physical and mental preparation, but I never fully understood just how much.  Reading a journal on a couples IVF treatment and following their entries after the fact has taught me more than any wikipedia page could.  I actually felt ashamed that getting pregnant was so easy for me!  I want to be able to do something more than just comment on a blog and say 'goodluck in achieving what you have set out to do' I want to help, to be a part of that process.

To be a means to an end that is a beginning - I look forward to the day I can tick it off my bucket list.  

A blank canvas coming to life.

I have for years wanted to embark on the journey of surrogacy and the time seems right for me now.  I have no idea how the journey ahead of me will play out, but I can hope and believe, it will be one with an incredible ending.  I have decided that when the time comes, I will need a space and place to write down and document the process - both for myself and for others.  I hope to enlighten those who are thinking of taking this same path and to share with all what I find out along the way.  Stay tuned everybody - I'm on the hunt for some Intending Parents to get to know!  I have sat and scoured the nz-surrogacy website and am armed with an array of questions.  I'm dreaming big for the future so that someone's future may have a big dream come true.

xoxo.